Question:

Why in my life there are always obstacles while I have hard work, hard tried, never give up, fell down and got up on my knee, I am very friendly, honest and care about people around, I spent the last penny for friends, never let them pay for me anything, never disturb anybody. All I have done was care, love, and give…but! I have not got any career so far, no good job until now 40 years old, was discriminated because of my ethics and woman, was betrayed by my friends, and lover. Always have the hard relationship with family and relatives even I am the one who gave them money, and they never welcome me. At school, I studied best, but can’t get good results; the friend took my work and professor also use me as lab labor. At company, boss insulted me in front of everybody and spoke swear words piss off to me…husband is kind and silent but never support my career, when coming up to career he is my most obstacle and his words all discouraged me and my mom too, their words together very toxic and always make me angry, panic and so on.

 

Answer:

First of all, thank you for sharing these aspects of your life with me, I realize this most likely does not come easy. I think I understand where you’re coming from and that many elements of your life make you feel insecure and downtrodden as if life itself is trying to keep you down. This can be seen by your attitude towards your friends, partners, career, and family. I gather that you see yourself as a person who is warm, open and generous, but who at the same time does not get anything similar to that in return. This, in turn, makes you doubt yourself on every step, but also leads to anger and panic, as you say, but I also guess that this mix includes sadness and a level of desperation as well.

I can see you believe that you give so much to the people around you, but that they still fail to do the same for you. Now, this is the essential part: they are not obliged to do that. When you do a good deed or when you are pleasant or helpful to people, they are still free do not be anything like that to you. This is not a process of exchange where you give one goodness and expect to attain one goodness in return. Instead, you are responsible only for your action, not the actions of others. Of course, it is entirely normal to desire to be loved, supported and respected, but others are not obliged to be like this to you.

To change this, firstly, it would help you to know what exactly do you want and expect from your loved ones and the people around you. Once you realize you are not getting what you desire or need, it is in your realm to decide what you are willing to do about this. Do you want to accept these people in your life or find someone else will who will behave differently towards you? Do you tell your loved ones how you feel or do you find a way to overcome these emotions without sharing them?

Any one of these alternatives, and much more, are inside of your reach, but only if you decide to go for them. Now, it looks to me like you are focused on the idea of “why are others not better towards me when I’m a good person” but that leads you nowhere because other people will be they way they are and you cannot make them change. The actions of others are not part of your responsibility, but your actions are completely under your control.

As strange as this might sound, you decide on many levels what you allow yourself to feel and in what manner. Instead of reaching outwards and identifying different factors that are keeping you down, it would be helpful for you to realize what are the things you can do for yourself. Here, the idea of responsibility is the key element. Instead of blaming others for your states, you can try and figure out what do you need from life and then figure out ways you can reach this. It is here that you have a chance for a change, either with people currently around you or someone else, but in both cases, you should listen to yourself and try to hear what is it you authentically need from the people with whom you share your life.

With that knowledge, you can then decide where to go next regarding your actions, not just thoughts.

-Guys from The Northern Pearl

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